I lie to my friends, and I think they’ll do the same to me too. and that I don’t deserve the trust. I can’t blame my friends for not telling me stuffs cos there are stuffs I keep so secretly to myself too.

There are very very few friends whom I’ll cry for. but today I realised, I miss so many of the few you.

Its been really really long and I miss you, my dear dear friends.

I’m sorry I haven’t been a good friend.

but i think im gonna flunk stats too. and this feeling sucks so much.

but i guess God just wants me to rely on Him. i’ve been thinking about scoring exams too much i forgot about who i am doing it for.

its so hard to keep saying ALL for the glory of God but the next moment, i think of getting good results and boasting to people about it. not the “see i got it so good, you didnt” but the thought of “i think im smarter than my classmates”

God knows that if i did well or i think i did well for the paper, my pride would blow me up and glorifying Him wouldnt be my core motivation.

humble me before You use me.

so now, back to studying.

so i’ve been studying quite alot recently. with a duck and a frog.

while browsing through my wordpress with cassie’s iphone ytd, i realised its been long since i’ve had a decent good post. i mean, it all sounds so down.

i dont mean to be so emo like afterall the sub title of this blog is “I live to glorify” and its not really glorifying to have such…down thoughts.

(: so heres a smiley face. because no matter how much i’ve screwed things up, the fact that God is still in control never fails to assure me.

and heres another for exams. ((: cos i just hope for my results to be glorifying to God. no “even if”.

^ and the big one (as the title) is for you guys who have been checking up my blog despite the angsty posts. i really appreciate all the views!! (i just hope i can know who visits this so maybe you can comment more or something…hahahahaha)

you look at me as though you’ve never made a mistake before. but you’ve forgotten who was the one who have been cleaning up your mess.

its kinda addictive and im tempted to blog there but i dont and i wont. i use it to follow ppl and reblog pretty images. very pretty images.

but with ytd’s serminar on Fearless Purity, i was reminded of social medias like tumblr and twitter.

how they distort our ideas and definition of love and life the way it shouldnt be.
and it gets really insulting, how they portray love to be so easy and cheap.
and its funny how sometimes i can get angry just by browsing twitter fb and tumblr.

and yes i’ve got home quite some application points that im guilty of too.

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i’ve actually been kinda quiet over here recently cos i dont know what to talk about. there are so many screwed up areas in my life that i dont want to talk about them and i know nothing else that i can blog about.

and i dont know how to explain and i really dont want to.  but im okay i just need time to slowly get myself out of this and start fixing things up.
and be selfless towards God and people.

YES YOU.

im so angry i can scold fuck a hundred times over. im hurt. im freaking hurt.

im not patient im not merciful im not selfless im not generous God knows how quiet i have been in everything that hurts me.

you’re tired and im not. 

5weeks and two more to go. and then im finding a job and theres so many things i wanna do for my lg.

did i mention that i kinda sprain my neck/left shoulder in one of the rides in USS and now its hurting so badly. its the same area as the old injury that suffers from frequent relapse on my left shoulder. i dont need a guy to give me a hug and sweet talk me.

i just hope friends will understand. i dont feel safe. i really dont.

and k i will be happier and more joyful tmr.

and i know this period i’ve been getting easily annoyed when ppl starts nagging at me. like i know i know i should be sleeping early, i should be spending more time on this etc.

i’ve never said this out but all in my head i just want to say “shut up, you dont know what im doing, you dont know what im going through.”

i just dont like the feeling of being misunderstood. cos its times like this i feel the most misunderstood.

and i dont bother explaining.

bah but im still sorry to ppl who cares…and nag. but trust me, trust my character.

its really something i’ve never really thought of but i managed to list down 8. and here goes:

1996- learning to talk (and never stopped since) cos my parents said i was a slow learner and they thought i was gonna be mute or abit mentally retarded

2005- recieving Jesus into my life
- the first fight my father and sister had

2007- joining band

2008- this “depression period” that i went through for 2weeks or so. life felt so meaningless i was close to commiting suicide but i was glad i had it though it sounds really stupid now cos it was 2weeks of life totally without God at all.

2009- watching my Popo pass away, she was the first kin that passed away and she’s a really really inspiring and strong woman on Christ
- making the choice to commit to my church in june

2010- leading grads

2011- being chosen to be in this course

i really had the urge to tear abit before we were asked to share 2 of it but thank God it turned out funny and the tears were stubborn.

but i really really thank God for all this that happened. some might be good some might be not as good, but they really changedand shaped me to be who i am today.

thank You so much, for being so faithful and so real in my life. im really really really so blessed. ((((((:

it takes so much courage to be vulnerable.

some ppl that i remember being in the dream are cassie, josiah, leon, berfont, jianhao, vivienyeo and people from hopenp. and my mother.

it wasnt a good dream, though in the dream i was supposed to watch the ndp parade.

yknow how dreams doesnt make sense at all, but it kinda sums up alot of what i’ve been feeling the past few weeks. the only words i can find to describe it is lost and abandoned.

but in my dream, my mother sort of found me, and i was so glad she did.

……………………………………………………………………………

i like to take buses much more than mrt because mrt gives me the “cooped in a cage” feeling. and its the same when i walk the shortcut home.

so today i followed the sunset sky. yknow its so beautiful,

like whatever shit that happens on earth just stays on earth. and when you look up to the sky, you see beauty, you see peace.
you see the universe.

and i actually dont like sunsets because it gives the sun is gone feeling. kinda depressing.

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yeah so thats all i was thinking on my walk home today. it was a nice walk. (: